Sailing the 7 C’s: The Basic Human Needs

Human beings have very few needs. In fact, beyond survival (food, water, shelter), there are only 7 factors that human beings require in order to live a full and contented life. All people of all ages and backgrounds and from all cultures and walks of life bar-none need the same things to live a complete and fulfilling life.  Our wants are vast and varied, our needs the same. They are:

1. Connection and intimacy – loving and being loved, social interaction, a sense of belonging, being related with others;

2. Creativity and stimulation – that is, things that stimulate your emotions you’re your mind: interests, hobbies, passions, the desire to do things with our time and make things where there was nothing;

3. Care for the body/mind – our physical health and mental/emotional health are inextricable, care for the one, the other also benefits, ignore one, the other suffers too;

4. Contribution: a sense of meaning and purpose – we need to feel that we are here for a reason, if it that’s a self-determining reason, to experience giving of ourselves to a greater good;

5. Comfort:  a sense of being safe and secure – things that help us relax, feel calm, able to rest, sleep adequately, experience peace;

6. Control:  a sense of control over one’s life – of having some measure of influence over our inner and outer worlds, a sense of “personal power”;

7. Conviction: belief in a “higher power” with genuinely benevolent intentions – the flip side of Control, this is the faith that sustains us through the hard times, the willingness and ability to surrender to the source of life and submit to the belief and trust that something greater than us is looking out for us, that we will be “okay”, that things always “work out in the end, that everything happens for a reason.

A lack or deficiency in any one area can cause the entire person to feel out of whack. Too often we concentrate on the handful of needs from this selection that we’ve proven to ourselves we’re best at achieving (i.e. ‘Status’ for a career-driven person; ‘Intimacy and Connection’ for a family man or woman), at the expense of the others.

There’s often a misconception that we have a limited amount of energy to use for our happiness and fulfillment, that like money, once we spend it all and use it up, it’s gone. Not so with life. Your career is not going to dissipate if you put attention on also having a family, or vice-versa: not if you don’t let it.

Exploring your connection to something greater than ourselves will not diminish your hard-earned sense of control over your life; nor will taking action and exerting some influence in your life diminish your faith in a higher power.

To find out where the source of upset in your life lies, copy the above list onto a sheet of paper with enough space in between each category for you to list those elements, aspects and qualities of your life that fall under each category. Do you have at least one item listed under each category? Are there any categories with a large number of items beneath them; any with none at all?

Look at those areas on the list that you feel you’ve cultivated well in your life; and praise yourself for it. Then look at those areas where you feel there’s room for greater attention and fulfillment. Give it some of your attention, and receive its fulfillment. Life is a balancing act; we balance our needs while pursuing our wants. The more of our fundamental needs that are met, the easier and faster it is to get all that we want.

Genuine Happiness Comes from Within

Life isn’t the sweetest candy. Sometimes, when I feel like the world is just too heavy, I look around and find people who continued to live fascinating and wonderful lives. And then thoughts come popping into my mind like bubbles from nowhere – “How did their life become so adorably sweet? How come they still can manage to laugh and play around despite a busy stressful life?”  Then I pause and observed for awhile… I figured out that maybe, they start to work on a place called ‘self’.

So, how does one become genuinely happy? Step 1 is to love yourself.

My theology professor once said that “loving means accepting.”  To love oneself means to accept that you are not a perfect being, but behind the imperfections must lie a great ounce of courage to be able to discover ways on how to improve your repertoire to recover from our mistakes.

Genuine happiness also pertains to contentment. When you are contented with the job you have, the way you look, with your family, your friends, the place you live in, your car, and all the things you now have – truly, you know the answer to the question “how to be genuinely happy.”

When we discover a small start somewhere from within, that small start will eventually lead to something else, and to something else. But if you keep questioning life lit it has never done you any good, you will never be able to find genuine happiness.

I believe that life is about finding out about right and wrong, trying and failing, wining and losing. These are things that happen as often as you inhale and exhale. Failure, in a person’s life has become as abundant and necessary as air. But this should not hinder us from becoming happy.

How to be genuinely happy in spite all these? I tell you… every time you exert effort to improve the quality of life and your being, whether it is cleaning up your room, helping a friend, taking care of your sick dog, fail on board exams and trying again, life gives you equivalent points for that.

Imagine life as a big score board like those which are used in the NFLs. Every time you take a step forward, you make scoring points. Wouldn’t it be nice to look at that board at the end of each game and think to yourself “Whew! I got a point today. I’m glad I gave it a shot.”, instead of looking at it all blank and murmur “Geez, I didn’t even hit a score today. I wish I had the guts to try out. We could have won!” and then walk away.

Genuine happiness isn’t about driving the hottest Formula 1 car, nor getting the employee of the year award, earning the highest 13th month pay, or beating the sales quota. Sometimes, the most sought after prizes in life doesn’t always go to the fastest, the strongest, the bravest or not even the best. So, how do you become genuinely happy?  Every one has his own definition of ‘happiness’. Happiness for a writer may mean launching as much best selling books as possible. Happiness for a basketball rookie may mean getting the rookie of the year award. Happiness for a beggar may mean a lot of money. Happiness for a business man may mean success. So, really now, how do we become genuinely happy? Simple. You don’t have to have the best things in this world. Its about doing and making the best out of every single thing. When you find yourself smiling at your own mistake and telling your self “Oh, I’ll do better next time”, you carry with you a flame of strong will power to persevere that may spread out like a brush fire. You possess a willingness to stand up again and try – that will make you a genuinely happy person.

When you learn to accept yourself and your own faults. You pass step 1 in the project “how to become genuinely happy”.For as long as you know how to accept others, you will also be accepted. For as long as you love and know how to love, you will receive love ten folds back.

Again, throw me that same question “how to become genuinely happy?”. I’ll refer you to a friend of mine who strongly quoted- “Most of us know that laughter is the best medicine to life’s aches and pain. But most of us don’t know that the best kind of laughter is laughter over self. Coz then you don’t just become happy… you become free.”

What is Stress? How does it work? And what are signs and consequences of Stress?

A 1960’s Tufts University experiment revealed that all people respond to a sudden and unexpected stressor (as in being ‘startled’) with the same collection of symptoms: holding their breath, muscles tightening and contracting (neck, shoulders, and back especially).

The image is of the body armoring itself, and aptly so, as the natural inclination in such a situation would be to protect oneself, wouldn’t it? We react with a defensive posture in all senses of the word, readying to defend ourselves from the perceived threat.

When our brain perceives stress (identifies a stressor) it kicks our sympathetic nervous system into high gear. This the notorious ‘Fight or Flight’ response. When this is triggered, the body mobilizes all its resources for action.

Automatically, involuntarily, and more often than not, completely without our awareness, our individual reactions to stress derive from the same set of symptoms: shortness of breath, body stiffens, palms sweaty, heartbeat racing.

It’s not without its purpose. This state of alert that results from a crisis moment also puts us in a state of heightened awareness, from which we can respond from an instinctual level. Immersed in moments of emergency, our confused and conflicted minds defer to our instincts which always has our survival as its prime imperative.

When our survival is not at stake, however (which is most of the time), this state is very literally overkill. As with any state or condition, repeated often enough, the stress-response becomes our regular “default” state of being; in the language of science and medicine, this is called ‘habituation’.

We habituate the stress-response. Worse, we self-identify with it, believing that it is us: easy to do with such pronounced physical manifestations of it: headaches, back pain, panic attacks, insomnia, depression, angry outbursts. Constant stress, as that caused by chronic worry, self-doubt, shame, guilt, and anxiety, keeps us locked in that involuntary stress-response state ongoingly.

Many people respond to stress through distraction and denial, covering up their stress and numbing themselves to its effects with a litany of equally-stressful behaviors, for example: overeating, oversleeping, alcohol and drugs, temper tantrums, violent outbursts, self-denial, self-abnegation, self-mutilation.

Other common symptoms of the stress-response?
• dilated pupils
• dry mouth (blocked saliva production)
• dilates bronchial passages
• impedes digestion – causes diarrhea and constipation
• stimulates the production of bile
• releases adrenaline
• stimulates the bladder and decreases bladder control
• chest pain
• heart pounding
• hot flashes
• nausea, vomiting,
• disorientation - dizziness, lightheadness, and blurry vision or “tunnel” vision, fainting
• blood diverts away from the heart, brain, and other organs, and towards the muscles and extremities

Over time, this can have a drastic negative impact on one’s overall health and well-being.  Stress unattended can adversely affect memory, mood, rational judgment and decision-making abilities, self-control,  and overall mental and emotional functioning. Stress can lead to problems in all areas of life: money and career, home and family, relationships.

The key to our salvation from all these potential fates is to recognize our stress, first and foremost – acknowledge and accept. Then take responsibility for finding and implementing ways to relieve it.

Lack of activities can prevent you from living healthy. When you do not enjoy activities, you may feel fatigue or find it difficult to sleep at night. When you awake in the morning, you may feel tired until you finally fall asleep. As we, age our body change and we have to make changes to accommodate our lives.

Having a good night sleep makes the mind think more clearly. A good night sleep also boosts your energy while controlling your weight. You can also make decisions with less stress. Sleeping well at night makes our immune system stronger to keep us healthier.  Researchers have proved that a good nights sleep is necessary for our health.  Researchers have found that lack of sleep reduces the growth hormones in our bodies, since it changes muscles to fat. Sleep overall is most important, yet it stands behind activities. To improve your health, try walking each day.

Walking will help to loosen our muscles, reduces stress and depression along with anxiety. By reliving these things, it will help us to sleep for a longer and deeper period.  So, when we wake up in the morning we feel happier and more rested.

When you exercise, you get a good night sleep, which promotes metabolism. Without the right amount of sleep, our bodies crave energy. Our body will release insulin or glucose into the bloodstream, which slows down metabolism. This action causes the body to gain weight, rather than control weight. 

When a person feels exhausted, they will feel weak and repressed from enjoying activities. This leads to additional problems. Sleeping right balances out our bodies giving us, more energy leading to more activities that will satisfy our sleep needs.

What to avoid:
To rest proper and feel active you must reduce your intake of caffeine, nicotine, harmful chemicals, such as over-the-counter meds that keep you awake, alcohol and so on. The chemicals and substances will keep you awake. Try to avoid drinking anything after 8 p.m. in the evening. Nicotine should be avoid if possible, yet if you must smoke try to avoid smoking after 8 p.m.

Start a walking program in the morning to help wake you up, while boosting your energy. You will feel better since the joints will feel flexible enough to move freely. In addition, walking will help you burn fat and calories. You’ll notice a big change in how you feel the rest of the day.  Start out walking at a slow steady pace for as far as your comfortable.  Each day pick up the pace a bit and walk further. Just remember when walking that you want to work up to a steady brisk walk to make you sweat but not out of breath. Take a short walk before and after meals to calm your nerves, and burn calories too, it will give you energy, relieve that stress from the long day and help you sleep.

If you start a walking program for yourself, it is a lot more fun if you have someone to go with you. Talk to that neighbor you don’t know and maybe they’ll walk with you. Just think about it; you’ll be acquainted with someone new, talk about new things will relieve stress and get in you exercise as well. This might help that neighbor too who maybe hasn’t seen or talked to anyone in a couple of days and than they can sleep better at night.

After walking that brisk walk your doing be sure to cool down. When walking at a vigorous pace your heart rate will go up and it needs to be back to normal. Just walk a bit slow and relaxing until you’ve cooled down.

If you can’t go to sleep at night instead of getting up and turning on the TV try pacing around the house. Do some stretching and shake your arms and legs. Even walking around the house can relax you especially when everyone else is in bed and you can relax more.

Assertiveness Training: Overcoming Shyness

Despite popular misconception, assertiveness and aggressiveness are not the same thing. Assertive people don’t dominate conversations or hog attention; aggressive people do. Assertive people are not rude, mean, cruel, and insensitive; aggressive people are. Aggressive people project a callous disrespect and disregard for everything and everyone – including (and especially) themselves. Assertive people merely project their own humble awareness of their inherent worth; and everyone is worthwhile – even you.

Respect for other people, empathy for their feelings, and recognition of their worth are all underpinnings of an assertive personality.

Resentment, frustration, impatience, and anger all cloud what could be a purely assertive  into an aggressive act. Whenever possible, waiting to speak or act until you can do it from a place of calm respect free of resentment, frustration, impatience, and anger will transform the situation into one where everybody wins.

By the same token, however, simply waiting out your negative feelings without taking incisive measures to relieve yourself of them, can lead to a build-up of negative emotions. This dangerous phenomenon is familiar to many of us as the “pressure-cooker” syndrome when unexpelled negative emotions build up to the point where we “blow our top”, usually in the wrong place at the wrong time and directed at the wrong people, in any case doing more harm than good.

Being genuinely assertive without aggression requires being responsible for your thoughts and feelings. There are many ways to do this, but however you do it, it must be done. Being responsible for our thoughts and feelings does not mean blaming and unloading on others. It means owning up to the thoughts and feelings we have and acting responsibly in accordance with them. 

In the case of the ‘pressure cooker’ phenomenon, it is our resentment and frustration with ourselves for putting up with an unpleasant and intolerable scenario without affecting any change in it that leads to our inappropriate outbursts. It’s ourselves we’re mad at; not the other person. So don’t take it out on them. Deal with the one responsible: yourself. Then and only then can you deal responsibly with anything and anyone outside yourself.

But if the antithesis of assertiveness is aggressiveness, then what is shyness? Shyness is a fear-response; a prolonged ‘Flight’ response. Actually, in the innate, unconscious ‘Fight-Flight’ stress-response, Aggression is the ‘Fight’ and shyness is the ‘Flight’. The way out of this involuntary, unconscious, reactive state is through voluntary, conscious, responsiveness or response-ability: humble and self-assured Assertiveness.

Learn to give constructive feedback in a timely manner, establish boundaries and set limits then honor them, and develop the ability to express your feelings respectfully and proactively, and you’ll no longer lose control to inappropriate emotional outbursts. These are the qualities of being truly assertive.

Shyness is a self-defeating pattern, for as you shirk from social interaction, you project yourself as socially awkward, creating a perception in others that validates your reasons for feeling shy, thereby keeping you locked into that unwanted frame of reference.

Assertiveness without aggressiveness leads to hirings, promotions, improved relationships, and new opportunities galore. An assertive manner of being improves your quality and enjoyment of life.

Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Do your children or students? Your friends, colleagues, employees? Do you know? How would you? Many of us aren’t even aware of whether we or someone we know suffers from low self-esteem. We have nothing to compare it to. No point of reference. Nobody ever talks about it.

Well no longer. We’re talking about it: you and I, right here, right now. Below are the signs you can look for identifying self-esteem issues in others, as well as in yourself.

Physical Signs

A person’s posture, chronic habits, and physical demeanor are all rife with body language cues that indicate their degree of self-worth.

Chronic and quite often unconscious body-language that conveys a lack of self-confidence include:

* shoe-gazing - looking down instead of straight in front of you
* avoiding eye contact
* nervous shaking, twitching, and fidgeting
* shallow breathing
* stiffness, rigidity, physical tension

By the same token, these physical states can also contribute to a deficit of self-worth. Every bit as much as they indicate how you feel about yourself, breathing shallowly, gazing at your shoes, and shaking nervously all influence how you feel about yourself also.

This means that you don’t even need to “convince” yourself of anything to affect a positive change in your self-esteem. You can just rein in those unconscious behaviors “whenever you think about it, just choose to breathe deeply, look up and in front of you, and bring your shaking body parts to stillness” and start to notice a change in how you feel.

Mental/Emotional, and Social Signs

These are a bit harder to “see” because they’re situational, rather than physical, signs. They require staying keen to a person’s patterns of behavior. Are you or someone you know:

** socially withdrawn
** driven to anxiety by the thought of social interaction
** awkward in social settings
** “checking out”, drifting off, getting “spacey”, having trouble staying present
** sad, depressed
** rebellious, angry, spiteful
** exhibiting signs of an eating disorder
** extremely negative, critical, contrary in attitude
** unable to accept constructive criticism or a compliment
** hard on yourself, prone to beating yourself up
** preoccupied with what other people think
** neglecting your basic needs health, hygiene
** lazy, lackadaisical, lethargic, hesitant to take on new challenges
** wracked by guilt
** doubtful and mistrustful of yourself, your own thoughts and abilities
** prone to low expectations, lacking in hope for the future,

Knowledge is power. Once you’re able to identify a need for yourself or someone you love to develop greater self-esteem, you’re already on the road to making it happen.

Basing your happiness on a future event deprives you of experiencing happiness now. Wanting that new job or promotion, car, outfit, house, vacation, boyfriend or girlfriend is fine; but hinging your happiness on its arrival is not.

Waiting for happiness to arrive on the heels of something else only produces more waiting, for we all know that as soon as we get something we want, we’re already well on our way to wanting something else we don’t have.

Happiness depends very little on your life circumstances and situations; social status, wealth, good looks, material possessions, even health are too tenuous and fleeting to base your happiness on. All that brings is gratification, not happiness. Gratification is temporary: a condition. Happiness endures, because it is a state of being.

A real and lasting happiness comes from what you do with the life circumstances and situations you have, and with the thoughts and feelings you have about your life.  A real and lasting happiness might better be termed, “inner peace”. Call it what you will, it is attainable in any and every moment because its existence depends on nothing other than you.

A contented, inwardly peaceful kind of happiness that underlies every moment like fair weather comes from an abiding sense of self-worth and appreciation for oneself and others, one’s surroundings, and all of life. When you value your worth and appreciate others and the world around you, other people, the world around you - “always a mirror of your inner state” - your whole life reflects back on you all the justification you ever wanted for being happy.

That’s right: for although true happiness within does not depend on the evidence around you, when true happiness from within provides the backdrop for your life, your life gives you all the supporting evidence, all the reasons to be happy, that you could ever want or need.

Stress “a chronic state of crisis and emergency” makes it difficult to access this inner wellspring of joy that is our natural state. When we feel tense, we contract rather than open. When our hearts race, we tend to get anxious and upset, not calm and relaxed. When we feel victim to our basest instincts we feel out of control and therefore judge, resent, and berate ourselves. Stress is anathema to happiness; it is the disease. Openness, relaxation, and love and appreciation for life, the world we live in, and ourselves, is the cure.

Hand-in-hand with self-love and appreciation is acceptance. In order to love yourself, you must accept yourself as you are, forgive yourself for who you’ve been, and decide you want to be as you step into the future. To appreciate others you must accept them as they are, and to appreciate your life and the world around you in all its circumstances and situations, you must first accept them as they are. Conveniently, this acceptance is also the first step to transform what has been into what you want it to be.

Make it your objective, then, not to attack life like a big To-Do List that must be checked off item by item, but to approach everything you do with the fullness of your being, appreciating the nuances of the moment and enjoying the company of the person you love most - You! Then everything you do because a joyous act. Like transforms from a series of mindless, mundane, and meaningless chores to a dance of immeasurably pleasurable and beautiful profundity.